Recently, I grilled some romaine lettuce. You see, I’ve been watching too many Food Network Shows, and decided it was time to overcomplicate my dinner. While I grilled the romaine, and then gagged it down, I asked myself, who the heck comes up with these ideas? And then I figured it out…
Five celebrity TV chefs walked into a bar. Billy Bob, the leader of the grill said, “I have a new drinking game I want to play. The game is called ‘Who can top this’, and the object is to make up a new way to prepare a food we’re all familiar with. If we think that the American people will actually try it, we drink a shot. Who’s in?”
They looked at each other with great glee while rubbing their hands together, and asked the bar tender to line up shot glasses.
Chef #1 was the first to raise her hand, her smile almost sliding off her face. “Oh let me, let me. I say we cut up some watermelon, then chiffonade some basil for the top, drizzle with olive oil and finish with cracked pepper.”
They laughed heartily. “Of course. All we have to do is use a French term,” and they drank the first shot.
Chef #2 was next. “Oh no, I’ve got one better than that. Let’s combine sliced strawberries and beets with a little red onion and balsamic, and call it a salad.”
“Perfect. They’ll be able to include it as both a fruit and a vegetable on their diet plans,” and they drank their next shot.
“If you think that’s a good one, I’m going to take the bacon I typically put on a burger, and crumble it on top of a donut,” said Chef #3. “Try topping that,” and they all motioned the bartender for another round.
Well, Chef #4 wasn’t going to be out done. “This is what I want to try. The next time I make tiramisu, instead of dipping the lady fingers in rum expresso, I’m going to dip them in beer.”
By this time, the chefs were laughing uncontrollably as they downed their fourth shot, knowing their public would be willing to try almost anything if they said it was good. They finally turned to Billy Bob and said “Okay Grill King, top those ideas.”
“I’ve got just the winner, and I predict, before we know it, we’ll find people actually trying this at home. I’m going to actually serve it in my restaurants.”
There was a long pause.
“No one can top this. We’re going to grill romaine lettuce.”
Silence, and that was the end of the game. They turned their glasses over and agreed, no one could top that for the best worst new food idea. And further, no one would try that, but Billy Bob convinced them, and they drank one last shot.
I’m convinced that this is how these concoctions are derived. Some of them are good. I love the watermelon mentioned above as well as the strawberry beet salad. And there are others – like the Fluffernutter (peanut butter and marshmallow cream sandwich) I had at my cousin’s home when I was a kid, or the root beer my family uses when they make pulled pork. But grilled romaine? That’s just wrong, as they say.
Note: The attributions to each of the fictional chefs are totally made up. Except Chef #4. She made beeramisu a couple of weeks ago the Father’s Day edition of Farm House Rules