For thirty-five years, I’ve been the keeper of many items representative of my family’s history. I’ve reached the time I want to move more of it along, simply because I want the space, but my ‘old soul’ is kicking in. Let me explain:
Practical Pam: You seem troubled no one wants your stuff?
Pathetically Sentimental Pam: It’s family history.
Practical Pam: It no longer has value. When’s the last time you’ve even looked at any of it?
Pathetically Sentimental Pam: But once it leaves the family, it’s gone.
Practical Pam: Who cares?
Pathetically Sentimental Pam: No answer.
What’s the tug-of-war? I want to control the outcome. Sounds petty, I know. I simply want the stuff (especially the personalized items) to stay in the family. Period. This isn’t fancy sterling silver or expensive jewelry that would actually be worth something if we had it to begin with. That would be easy.
Instead, I have the pieces that aren’t in demand by anyone. Over the years, I’ve been successful at goading various family members and have unloaded dishes and furniture, but they’re on to me now. These are some responses when I emailed a couple of offerings last week: “Not here. Thanks.” “Thanks for thinking of us but we don’t want them.” “Nice, but no.” “Nope, we’re downsizing our own stuff.” Actually, my sister is taking a bookcase and my cousin, some books, much to the chagrin of their children, I’m sure.
I get that I am part of this boomer generation who hears lots of “Thanks, but no thanks” as we try to unload what we gladly received by our parents or grandparents who gladly received it from theirs. Our children (and in my case, nieces and nephews) don’t have room for it, it’s not functional, they live in a more disposable world and they’d rather buy what they need at Target. And in the end, it’s just stuff, to be honest.
This is some family history I know from “this stuff”:
In 1911, my grandfather was on the faculty of the Massachusetts Agriculture College, and a member of their book club. They read and studied the poems of Henry Van Dyke. I have his book noting this. I think that’s really cool.
My grandmother served hot chocolate in the hand painted porcelain “chocolate set” but if all a person got was one little three-ounce serving, it explains the difference in size between my generation and hers.
My great-great grandfather apparently had quite a feisty side. In his (red velvet covered) arithmetic text book, he wrote “Israel Pocock’s book. Steal it if you dare and I will make you fetch it back again. 1846” Don’t mess with Israel!
My mother’s mother came from sort of hifalutin stock, hence my mother had her own silver baby food pusher, engraved with her initials. Apparently, this predated thumbs.
Grandma Sievers’ recipe box includes a “recipe” for cleaning a shower curtain. My recipe? Make that trip to Target.
I could go on and on, but you get the idea.
What do you plan to do with furniture and family heirlooms that have only a sentimental value? Do you plan to just let the survivors figure that out? Knowing it is unlikely that I’ll have the same resources and faculties at the end of my life as I do now, I refuse to subscribe to that plan, but maybe I should. Maybe a large Rubbermaid tub that surviving family members can sort through (and then toss) is the best solution. Darn, there’s the Practical Pam again, and sometimes, she knows best.
Pam, I am wondering if you may be able to count on your nieces and nephews as I am counting on my son? Though I love him dearly, raising Chris was not without challenges. Leaving this earth knowing he’ll be faced with dealing with my home full of treasures and trash will be my passive-aggressive response to his teen/early adult shenanigans. Perhaps you can consult with your siblings to determine which children are most deserving of being their beloved aunt’s executor? Then go have a beer and fuggedabouddit. ???
Oh I love this! In other words, payback… thanks Kate. That beer will taste good.
Add a listing and who should get what as a codicil to your Last Will — that’s what Mike and I have done with what we would consider ‘heirloom’ pieces.
Thanks but I think I’m going to let them have a free-for-all. They will have had their chance to get what they want. Which is nothing…
Ah, yes. The hand-me-downs that are sentimental to one generation are not so for the next. This situation is also made more problematic when the heirs are “scattered to the winds” and live in vastly different climates and spaces (read apartments or small condos) than the one who wishes to “donate” those family heirlooms. I surely could furnish a few starter homes or homeless shelters with the furniture available for the next generation. Thanks for making me laugh this morning.
Glad I brought you a chuckle. Thanks for taking time to read and respond.
I’ve been going through this A LOT this past year. Here is something that helped me. It didn’t solve all the remorse I felt letting things go, but it did help. First, I asked Rose what things were important to her. At age 19, I was not surprised when she said “nothing.” It was a bummer, but kids these days do not have the sentimentality that we do. I also know that kids change and as they get older, their history does become more important to them. Over the next several weeks, I pictured our entire house being in flames. I thought about which items I felt sad were burning. It came down to less than ten items that I felt sad about. I told Rose that these were the family heirlooms. I explained why they were important to me and that she must keep them in the family. Because it’s just a small number items, she doesn’t seem overwhelmed by it. Most importantly, knowing why they are important to me helped her buy into the reason for keeping them.
Great strategy. Thanks Elaine! Lucky Rose…
Pam, the advice of the others commenters is great. Like you, no children but some nieces and nephews, whom I am not close too.
Just do it! Don’t wait for the right time, that time is now!!!!
It’s okay to have it all about your soul now.
Thanks Carol. Just not quite ready to give some of it up yet. It brings me joy.
As we baby boomers age and start to downsize, this is a really big topic! When we prepared to move 4 years ago, I had to deal with my “collections” of family stuff. I asked myself if the item “was so beautiful/special that I would want to display it proudly in my new home, or would it go into a box”? If I would not want to display it, I would keep it only if all of such items would fit into one shoebox! I had to really accept the reality that the item reminded me of my mother, but was not my mother! It may have been important to her, but it wasn’t important to me. I took photos of many items. I realized that the photo was good enough for me to enjoy the memory of it. I offered the items to other family members. There were some takers! The rest went to Goodwill, Big Brothers/Sisters, etc. For me, it was important to give myself the time to “be with” the emotions that came up as I did the process…to honor the connections and memories, but then let go of the objects. Thanks for bringing up this important topic.
Outstanding advice, Carolyn. Thanks. I can’t downsize to a shoebox yet, but in time, I will.
I’m s sucker for history especially the worthless things like a note or grocery list in my grandmother’s handwriting. I guess some of it comes from my years of genealogy research. History and the people I came from mean something to me. I’m like you, I would have trouble letting go. That’s the type of thing that keeps me in the storage business. People can’t let go of things so they store them with me.
Oh Michelle, we’re old “soul sisters” I think. Thanks so much. Yes indeed, grandma’s recipes with smudges of grease makes me feel warm and cozy.