If it’s summer, it’s closet inventory time for me. Once again, I’m amazed at what I discovered.
Raise your hand if you have items in your closet that have no business being there. Keep your hand raised if you can shake your head and ask “what was I thinking?”
This little trip in self-discovery started when I recently shopped for a pair of sport sandals. (I have always called these tendals – part tennis shoe, part sandal.) As I was contemplating the purchase, the sales kid reminded me they were water proof and “would be good for the river.”
“That’s nice, but how are they in the movie theater? Or a concert in the park?” I wanted to ask, but instead, I smiled and hugged my over-sized purse around my over-sized belly. I was flattered that he thought I lived the life that needed a pair of shoes for the river.
Then during my closet inventory review, I immediately put my hands on my pair of “boyfriend jeans”. By definition, boyfriend jeans have a relaxed, slouchy fit, tapered legs with a roll cuff that fall somewhere above the ankles. Whether or not they are ripped is irrelevant. Mine aren’t. But mine also aren’t slouchy because nothing slouches on me these days.
I swear, the skinny legs make me look like a human bowling pin, so I just make sure I always stand with my feet slightly apart before anyone yells “strike!”. But really, aren’t I beyond the age for boyfriend jeans? Probably, but they’re my favorite pair and I’m keeping them for when I feel slouchy. They also pair well with my new sport sandals.
Next up was the shirt I bought on a whim. I’m sure you’ve done that too, right? This shirt has a bit of a Bohemian look to it, or as my friend, Kathy, says, “the one that looks like two handkerchiefs.” It can be worn off the shoulder, and thank heavens, I’ve never even been tempted to do that. My favorite designers are LL Bean and Land’s End, and I work hard to avoid Alfred Dunner and its younger cousin, Breckenridge, so every once in a while, I get the urge to break into a new look. Bohemian isn’t it.
But the best find that made me shake my head were the three items of shapewear I own, aka Spanx. Two briefs and a camisole. Now that I’m well planted in my mid-sixties, I’ve come to the conclusion that these products were developed for the following:
- A woman on a first date.
- Anyone involved in the beauty pageant industry.
- A member of a wedding party, including mothers of the bride or groom.
I held up the larger/ longer of the two briefs, called a “power short” and it looked big enough for a twelve-year old. I had to try. I pulled and I pushed and I tugged and guess what? It took every bit of power I had to get them on. The end result? A mountain of flab pushed up and out the top that added a spare tire around my spare tire. But more horrifying? I lost my knees! They’d become obliterated by southern-bound sausages that lost the battle with the power shorts.
Next up was the camisole and soon, chins three and four formed as the shapewear shifted everything north – it couldn’t go south. I sat on the edge of the bed and pondered why I even owned this stuff. No beauty pageant or wedding party for me. And first dates were torture enough, I wouldn’t have compounded them with clothing that restricted my breathing. Using the same power it took to get them on, I finally freed myself from the spandex death grip and said hello to me knees again.
So tell me, what crazy clothes are clogging your closet and drawers these days. Maybe we can swap… Did I mention I have seven bathing suits?
Happy Summer!
Update: Kate has added shoes she’s hoping she can miraculously wear someday. It reminded me of my bejeweled flip-flops. What else can you add to the list?
Oh, I love this! Hilarious, Pam! My closet is littered with sandals and shoes that I love, but can’t walk around the block in. I keep hoping there are secret socks or new, magic stretches that will make them suddenly comfortable and supportive.
Oh don’t even get me started with shoes over the years. I’m updating my post! Thanks for the read and comment.
The spanx description had me laughing out loud. I can relate. But I only own two bathing suits and only one I can wear. Bought last year since the other one is in a size I haven’t seen in years. Hardly ever wear the newer one but I needed it to swim with the Dolphins on my cruise last year. I think they were laughing at me in “dolphanese.”
Dolphanese. That’s a good one! I have this collection as a result of water aerobics. When they wear out, I get a new one but hang on to the old one. Who knows why! Thanks for taking the time to comment.
Love it Pam. I’m amazed at the amount of clothing I have., and I’m by no means a clothes horse.
My philosophy this past year has been to add no hangers. If I buy something new, something old must leave the home of my closet and be donated to someone else’s. It works on so many levels.
Lovely easy as always.
No new hangers – love it. I also get rid of something for every new thing. It’s a good way to de-clutter our lives from time to time. Thanks for the read and comment.
I have a habit that I acquired when I insisted I was retiring from working — no it didn’t happen but the habit is a good one and I put it to practice every 90 days. So here it is: I turn all my hangers in my closet backwards for 30 days — if the hanger doesn’t move to the correct position indicating I have worn whatever was on it, at the end of 30 days all hangers left unturned, pull the clothes off and straight into a donation bag!
Oh no, you are so much better than I am. Maybe I could try that every two years. Yeah, that’s better. Thanks for the comment Susan!
Laughed loud and long though your the blog. You descriptions of your Spanx try on. Best ever. Thanks for blessing my morning.
Thank you Kay. I’m glad I made you laugh. Most women can relate to this post on some level. Appreciate that you took the time to read and comment.
Pam, I also laughed out loud about Spanx. I never succumbed to the urge to buy them but I can agree about wacky things in my closet. I see a pair of 4 or 5-inch heels I can’t reach up there. What was I thinking? There are other 3 inch heels I will never wear too. Not worth getting on a ladder yet to fix that mistake. I have to just be patient….sigh.
I would love to clean out my closet and have managed to take a few thing to St Vincent de Paul lately. I need to take more but I can’t really get up from the floor yet. Working on strength and stamina in PT now (from the back injury and surgery) so getting up off the floor is a goal.
Oh my gosh, my feet are hurting just reading this. Hope you’re up and feeling better soon, but still, don’t go after those shoes!
Oh those Spanx — medieval torture devices! Very funny and far too relevant….
Thanks Mary. Appreciate the read and comment!
Laughed til tears ran down my cheeks. I did the big clothes give away this Spring. Now the shoes! Remember growing up we had 3 pair; a school/everyday (serviceable pair), pair of sneakers for gym class, and a church/good pair. After all the fancy shoes, and colored coordinated shoes I’m moving backwards – looking for a good serviceable pair that are just plain comfortable.
Thanks! Glad you liked it.
Great blog post, Pam! The crazy clothes in my closet are the age-inappropriate items I bought when I lost a few pounds then never had the nerve to wear. I too laughed out loud at your description of trying on the Spanx. And don’t even get me started on bathing suits! Why do men get the option of wearing comfy swimming trunks that go to their knees while women’s bathing suits expose every inch of my heavy, not-so-firm thighs and spider veins? It’s not fair!
Paula, I can’t agree more about the bathing suits. Let’s start a protest! I’m glad you liked it and thanks for the comment.
OMG!!!! You crack me up,
When I get the ambition to retire certain articles of clothing (which happens about every 4 yrs or so because I hate to shop), I take them to the cottage and then remove the decades old garments I have there…….talk about the ultimate recycle! To prove I’m not exaggerating my husband said the other day “isn’t it time to bring some new cloths to the cottage?”
Haha. That’s funny. Yes, cottage clothes can have the “leftover look.” I’ve been there too. Thanks for the comment, Geri!
Haha! You are way ahead of me — I haven’t dared to clean-out my closet in a couple of years. I have some 30 year old shirts in there!
Ha! I manage to move every few years so that helps. Plus retirement when your needs change dramatically. Thanks for the read and taking time to comment.
My daughter came to visit about a year ago and announced we were going to clean my closets. You had to take everything out and decide if you love it. I said be my guest. At the end I donated 17 trash bags of clothes and have missed none of them. That did include a whole drawer full of old race shirts I had accumulated and never wore. Of course I have added new clothes since.
Good for you, and your da Three. Sometimes, it’s easier when someone else does it. Thanks for the comment!