Flat on my back, legs up in the air, splayed as much as these two bratwurst shaped limbs of mine can be, feet reaching toward the fluorescent lights. I would have been less embarrassed had I fallen, but nope, this was intentional. I hate exercise. I know that’s a strong word, but really, I hate it.
I’m not talking about walking or biking, dancing or swimming. Those I like. It’s when I find myself reaching, stretching, lunging, balancing, all in sync to some obscure playlist of workout songs, sharing floor space with too many skinny-minnie’s decked out in their coordinated athleisure wear, praying the little pfft, pfft, pffts of gas slowly leaking from my body are not noticeable to anyone around me, all the time surrounded by mirrored walls that scream “I bet you’re sorry you ate all those ice cream cones now.” Yet here I was, in my first Stretch and Relax class. Damn my friend Kathy who is always on the lookout for this junk.
“You’ll love it, I promise. And it’s good for us.” She had attended on Monday, while I stayed back and did some writing and she was anxious for me to join her.
This was a 50 minute class and at minute 48, we were still in the stretch part when I rolled my head to the side and caught a glimpse in the mirror of my legs in the air. Somehow, I was so caught up in the mental draft of this post, that I had missed the cue to bring my knees up to my chest so while all the others had assumed the fetal position, I looked like a porky, late middle aged porn star auditioning for my next part. I made the quick adjustment hoping not too many saw me. The relax portion started at minute 50 and was optional. I continued to lay on the floor while many of the others around me snapped up their mats and made a hasty exit; perhaps the pfft, pfft, pfft’s had been noticed.
I chose to opt out of the Cardio Lite class in the afternoon. Kathy gave me a pair of swim googles, so now it’s official – I am a “swimmer”, and I did some laps in the pool and after, worked on the relaxation part that I felt was missing from my morning class.
I imagine I’ll go back to the class next week, this time more prepared. I call it “Stretch and No Relax.” I might even trade in an oversized Michigan State tee shirt for a solid color work out shirt I have, just to blend in a bit more. And I’ll pay closer attention to the verbal directions and those around me. In the meantime, the mild weather beckons me out for a walk first thing every morning, and tomorrow, we’re going on our first hike. We’ll give a good test to the theory that “dry heat” really is cooler than Michigan heat. A high of 86 is forecast.
The part about the middle-aged porn star cracked me up. I also “hate” exercise. It is so boring. I don’t get it when people say they miss exercise so much if they don’t exercise every day. I blame it on a genetic lack of exercise endorphins.
So glad you liked it Margaret. I’m headed out on a hike today and will practice stretching with every stride. Maybe then I can avoid the class.